The Breastford Wives (2007) / Adult-Sci Fi
MPAA Rated: Not rated, but definitely NC-17 for pervasive nudity, sexuality, and some language
Running Time: 81 min.Cast: Frankie Cullen, Glori-Anne Gilbert, Taylor Wane, Monique Parent, Frank Harper, Barbie Bennett, Friday, Sara Maclaughlin, Dylan Bailey, Monica Rakocyova
Director: H.R. Blueberry (aka Jim Wynorski)
Screenplay: Thaddeus Wickwire
Review published May 5, 2007
The question everyone probably has when looking at my review of The Breastford Wives isn't whether the film is good or bad, but why in the hell am I even reviewing it. Believe me, I asked myself the same question several times while the film was on, and I can't come up with an adequate answer, except perhaps that it amuses me to do so. To be quite honest, I had the DVD of this playing while writing the review of a previous movie (that's the ONLY multitasking I was doing, I swear!) -- it's kind of the perfect movie for that sort of thing, since paying strict attention is not required.
As easily guessed, this is a typical late-night skin flick borrowing the plot from a popular movie at the time. Well, not quite at the time, as this movie finally sees its release three years after the remake of The Stepford Wives, though it had been made back in 2004, the year of its inspiration's theatrical run.
I guess with "breast" in the film's name, you know what to expect: a bevy of mostly big-breasted women in various states of undress. Basically, it's soft-core porn, which these days means it's just like hardcore porn without full frontal action or explicit details.
The plot of the film, as if anyone cares, involves a couple moving to a small town, being welcomed by the more-than-friendly women there. It seems that everyone in this town is horny as hell, including the new couple, who are seduced by every woman they meet. It's soon discovered that there is something in the locally-produced wine that is making everyone fornicate with one another, masterminded by the town's doctor and mayor, who plans on adding the new woman in town to his harem of sex slaves.
If you like fake boobs, fake hair, and fake sex, you're probably the kind of viewer this film is aiming squarely at. Along these lines, the makers of the film waste little time between each coupling session, and once each sex scene begins, they go on for quite some time. The formula seems to be to get someone to take a drink of the wine (or spiked water), have the actors get naked, and simulate sex in various positions on a variety of different pieces of furniture. The sex scene that takes place in a home gym has actors Frankie Cullen and porn star Taylor Wane doing it while he uses the rowing machine, exercise bike, and other pieces of equipment -- and here I thought working out was dull.
The cast is attractive, but the production values are pretty bad. Glori-Anne Gilbert's brunette wig keeps threatening to fall off from all of the jarring coital action. The other actresses have a bad habit of looking at the camera, or the crew behind it, as if looking for instruction on what to do next. It's also pretty obvious that Frankie Cullen wasn't really into the women he performs with, but since no sex scenes were performed in a closet (probably the only room in the house not covered), I'm not going to offer my opinion as to why. Actually, he's no different from the women in this regard, as they all look like they are just going through whatever motions they are told to after the director yelled "action".
The Breastford Wives is definitely not going to win any awards for dialogue or acting, and the sex scenes, while inventive in their use of the house environs, are long and repetitive. The usual contrivances abound to get to the action ("Say, you have a hot tub", "Oh, you're welcome to join me, but no clothes are allowed", "But, of course!")
If you want lots of skin, it's got it (with plastic parts). If not, there are infinitely better things you could be watching on the boob tube.
Qwipster's rating:©2007 Vince Leo
